Why listening at one level just doesn’t cut the mustard.
Good listening is much more than being silent while the other person talks.
I’ve once heard that people’s appraisal of their listening ability is much like their assessment of their driving skills.
In that the great bulk of adults think they’re above average. A lot of this is down to the belief that to be a good listener, you just have to sit there and say nothing while the other person speaks. Great listening is so much more than that.
Attention is the most valuable thing that a leader, a manger, a coach, a partner, a parent, a enter role here has to give, and we offer this through our ability to listen at several levels. Good listening is much more than being silent while the other person talks. Jack Zenger of HBR discovered from studying over three thousand executives, that people perceive the best listeners to be those who periodically ask questions that promote discovery and insight – questions that shine a light in the dark corner of our minds in places we haven’t thought to look.
Questions gently challenge old assumptions, but do so in a constructive way. Sitting there silently nodding does not provide sure evidence that a person is listening, but asking a good question tells the speaker the listener has not only heard what was said, but that they comprehended it well enough to want additional information.
Attention is the most valuable thing that a leader, a manger, a coach, a partner, a parent has to give.
Of course, there are different levels of listening.
Not every conversation requires the highest levels of listening, but many conversations would benefit from greater focus and listening skills. Let’s take a look at the four levels we teach at the International Coaching Community.
Level One: Hearing
The most superficial level is not really listening at all, but simply hearing. Hearing registers the sound waves of the other person’s voice. You can hear someone talk and be thinking of something else, or even doing something else. You do not have to pay attention to them to hear them. Think of moments when you have been answering a message on your phone while your partner is having a discussion with you… maybe you like to tap away at the computer when staff are asking you for advice… As the research has clearly shown, we simply cannot multitask and that includes listening effectively.
Level Two: Listening to share your story
The second level is listening to the other person, but with a question in mind, such as ‘what does this mean to me?’ You are listening from inside your own experience. When you listen to someone at this level, you are using their experience to link with your own. What they say will trigger your memories. This is the normal level of listening we engage in everyday and usually is adequate for everyday conversations – particularly when we are building rapport with someone. When we listen to find out relevant information and to give our experiences in return, this can be useful at the start of the discussion but loses its effectiveness as we navigate deeper into dialogue. We must move to level three…
Level Three: Listening for an opportunity to engage
The third level is listening for something significant in what the person says. The listener may be filtering and selecting from what the person is exploring within themselves listening for the right opportunity to; help manage a situation, provide mentoring, offer compassion or empathy, challenge assumptions and limiting beliefs or open up alternative paths to consider. At this level we are listening with an open mind and in service of the person we are listening to.
Level Four: Conscious listening
Conscious listening is deep listening with the minimum of judgement. You are listening for nothing yet listening for everything, keeping your internal dialogue out of the way, and having no agenda. At this level, your intuition and wisdom are fully engaged, allowing for optimal listening. It represents the pinnacle of attentive listening where the listener experiences a state of ease and tranquillity during the conversation. In this heightened state, there is no energy expended by the listener as they immerse themselves in the sheer delight of the discussion. The need for debate, the notion of right versus wrong, and the confines of black and white thinking dissipate, making way for an unadulterated exploration of the topic at hand.
Effective listening entails engaging in an active conversation
Effective listening entails engaging in an active conversation characterised by a balanced and shared exchange between both parties.
It involves maintaining a conversational rhythm that allows for thoughtful exploration of what truly matters to each person involved. Both parties have the opportunity to express their perspectives and delve into meaningful topics, fostering a deeper understanding and connection.
Ready to transform your conversations? Embrace conscious listening today, and unlock the power of genuine connection, comprehension, and shared understanding.